In Response to "A YSA Bishop Talks to the Sisters About Intimacy"

I was hoping that I would never, ever have to read the article titled "A YSA Bishop Talks to the Sisters About Intimacy" again after it first surfaced in 2013. Unfortunately, my Facebook feed brought it back to me. I decided to read it again, after an almost three year rest. My reaction was one of sadness, sickness, and fear for the beautiful men and women who are exposed to these teachings. I had to write a response. Link here: http://ldsmag.com/article-1-13519/#.VlOQthiCGac.facebook

Before I begin, let me tell you that I read the companion piece for the brethren as well, and I felt the need to respond even more after reading it.

Ladies, let me be clear. You are not a beautiful object to be gaped at or possessed. You are a thousand things more than beautiful. Being perceived as pretty is nice! Believe me, I know. If I didn't think it was nice to be called pretty I wouldn't be typing this in nice pants with some lipstick smeared on my mouth. If I didn't care about looking good, I would be in leggings, a t-shirt, and showering would be an urban myth for me. So yes, being beautiful and feeling good about yourself is so great. BUT it is not the only thing about you. This YSA bishop mentions how our figures have been painted, sculpted, and described by poets for centuries. For men, they are described in history books for their "power, strength, war, dominance, intellect, or virility." Can we stop and think about how wrong this is? Haven't there been powerful, smart, and awesome women in history? 

The point I'm trying to make is that you, ladies, are so much more that beautiful. You can do and be anything that you want to be. You are not just objects to be possessed and caressed.

The next section is titled "On Being a Woman." There is nothing wrong with this section as it just quotes The Family: A Proclamation to the World.

The section after is the one that makes my skin crawl. It is titled "How Men See You." He begins this section with the age-old phrase "men and women are simply different." Absolutely, men and women are physically different. But stating that men and women absolutely process and think about things in an exact way is insulting. I do not like it when other people assume that because I am a woman, I love all things pink and frilly. Likewise, not all men like monster-trucks and G.I. Joe. All humans process things differently and that process can be affected by hormones, sleep habits, and whether the milk you had with that bowl of cereal this morning was just over the expiration date.

Therefore, it is extremely offensive to men when this article says "what men see they want to possess," and "the brethren ... cannot help but look." I think that men are much more than sex creatures who can't control themselves when they see a nice figure. They have brains, right? Brains that can control their bodies, right? They can understand that a bare shoulder or knee is not "an invitation to touch, to enjoy," right?

I want to be very clear with this. A person should be modest because they have made a personal commitment, and a commitment with God, to be so. The motivation should not be because they are afraid that someone else might be tempted by them. Let's face it. Temptation exists. For example, if I see a guy walking past in some nice church slacks and I am like "dang, look at that booty," by the logic of this article, the guy in the nice slacks was not being modest because I noticed a nice bum. So shame on him, right? And because I found his bum attractive, I can just go up and give him a nice goose, right? NO. Obviously, no. 

Now, in the article for the males, this bishop does tell them "We are not responsible generally for what passes by our eyes unless we’re in a place where we shouldn’t be. But, we are responsible for what we linger on, lust upon, and then act upon." Yes. This is right. Learn to filter. Women have to do it too. Later, though, he tells them that the excuse "how she was dressed was a come-on" is not valid. Which is awesome, but he follows it with "whether that is true or not." This, and the article for the sister's, undermines every kind of principle of consent. It encourages victim blaming. It is just harmful altogether. 

Before I wrap up, I want to speak to the human race in general. If you are sexually assaulted, harassed, or abused in any way, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. It is not because of what you were wearing, what you were drinking, or where you were. It is the fault of the terrible, terrible person who decided to do an awful thing. Again, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. If you didn't consent, they are the guilty party. 

One other thing I want to mention: There is a part in the article where he mentions Sandra Bullock and how her husband cheated on her. This story is under the title "Honor His Priesthood," and he later tells the sisters the "God is counting on you to marry well," as if a cheating husband is somehow the woman's fault. If your spouse cheats on you, he is forsaking his own salvation, and you are guiltless. Just so you know.

I don't have any huge issues with the rest of the article. I think it is good that he pointed out that sex is a natural, and actually a good part of our nature. Sex is a sacred thing that is meant to not only create life, but bring two people close together. He talks about keeping the law of chastity. Ok. Fine. Just please, YSA Bishop. Stop the cycle of victim-blaming. Encourage both sexes to be modest in dress, thought, and action. 

I think his intentions were pure, but many of the ideas he shared are harmful. Remember that modesty is a commitment between you and God. Men are not sex monsters, women are not trophies. We are all children of God. Let's treat each other like it.

Signing out,

Mandie

About Grief and Love

It's finally time for me to write about my dad.

He died a little over two years ago, and it is crazy to believe. I didn't write about him then because the hurt was too recent and the summer too hectic. Funeral plans, Oakcrest, applying for jobs, and eventually going back to school with a full work load. That first year was rough.  It was easier because I was a hundred miles away from my childhood home and I was swamped with school. During the summer, I allowed myself to be distracted from my grief by putting everything I had into being a counselor. During the school year, I allowed myself to be distracted by friends, homework, practicing, and Netflix. Then I would come home for a weekend and my dad's absence would be staring me right in the face. Looking back, I was coping in my own way. I wish that I had confronted my grief earlier. I wish that I had told myself that it was okay to feel sad and alone and angry.

Anger is what I remember most from the first few months. I was angry at my dad for leaving, my friends for not learning from his loss like I did, and my family for grieving differently than I did. Mostly, I was angry at God for letting it all happen. Luckily, that last bit didn't last for long, but the rest of the anger did. I was especially upset when people would say things to me to try to make me feel better. Some people were really good at it. Others were not. They would say things like "Only the good die young," (so my dad would have lived longer if he had just sinned a little more?) "Time heals all wounds," (so in twenty years I won't care about my dad's death at all?) "At least you have the gospel. It's so much harder for those who do not." (I can't fit all my thoughts about this phrase in one parenthetical statement.) At that time, I didn't want to hear that it would be okay and that everything happens for a reason. I wanted to scream and cry and have a temper tantrum and say it wasn't fair. I wasn't interested in logic. I just wanted my dad.

Two years later, I realize that comments like that are made from concern, and because people don't know what to say to a grieving person. I recently saw that the mom of a friend I had last semester had passed from cancer. I wanted to private message my friend and tell her so many things, but in fear of offending her or saying the wrong thing, I stayed silent. Even I, someone who lives with grief daily, didn't know what to say to a newly grieving person.

I remember my dad's funeral. I did not want to see my dad. I wanted to close the casket as soon as possible. Because this body laying there was not my dad. My dad was in the books at home, and in the suit-coats that still hung quietly in his closet. He was in his poetry, and in his music. He was in all of his hats and in the canes that he used to poke kids with in church. He was in every loving word given to us while we meandered through that church and that chapel. He was in the countless hugs we received that day*. And my dad is not in a grave in the Salt Lake Cemetery. He is here when our special song starts playing. He is here when we are all cooking together or when we are celebrating birthdays and holidays. That doesn't mean that I still don't miss him terribly. I want him to be there when I go through the temple, when I get married, when I have my first baby (and any that come after), at all my children's baby blessings and baptisms and other milestones. I have accepted now that he will not be there physically and it still breaks my heart that I won't get to do a daddy-daughter dance at my wedding reception or call him on the phone or tell him that I love him and hear it back.

I miss my dad so much. No person or thing could ever fill the gap that is in my heart for him. But everyday I get stronger and I am more able to carry this burden of grief.

(As long as one and one is two, there will never be a daughter loves her father more than I love you.)

Thanks for reading.

Signing out,

Mandie

*In a funeral setting, the person who was closest to the deceased gets to determine how long the hug will be. If you cannot tell who was closest, rock-paper-scissors will suffice for a decision.

Dissenting Votes at LDSGenConf2015

It has been a while. I have been working on a few posts, but life has gotten so busy that I haven't had time to post them! Also, now I only feel compelled to write when there is a controversial issue. I have very strong opinions and sometimes I get scared about how my fellow-men will react to them. This topic is something that I feel very strongly about. These are my opinions. Feel free to disagree. 

During the Saturday Afternoon session of #LDSGC2015, sustaining votes were cast. This is my favorite part of conference. Even though I am sitting in my room in Logan, UT with a towel in my hair, I love that I can raise my right hand and show my support for God's modern day prophets. As many of you witnessed, some people present in the conference center cast opposing votes.

I do not have a lot of experience with opposing votes. Today's display is the first example I have ever seen of someone opposing the sustaining of our general authorities. So I did a little research about today's events, and opposing votes in general.

First, the actual group whose members attended the meeting is called "Any Opposed?" From what I can tell, all the members are LDS. In my understanding, they feel like the general authorities have no real way of knowing if someone disapproves of their teachings and actions except at general conference. More information about them can be found here: http://anyopposed.org/about/. 

Now, as for actual dissenting votes and their place in the church, I have a little information. The best scripture I have seen on this issue is D&C 26:2. "And all things shall be done by common consent in the church, by much prayer and faith, for all things you shall receive by faith. Amen. " Also see D&C 28:13. It is the right of each member of this church to express themselves. One of the things about this church and gospel that I love is our encouragement to ask questions. We are never (supposed to be) told to "just accept" something because a general authority has said it. I understand that this has happened, and that makes me sad. My parents taught me to use my brain, to think about principles, and to find out for myself, just as Joseph Smith did as a 14 year old boy (JSH 1:20). Our entire religion is on the earth today because someone asked a question, and wasn't quiet about his answer! 

I know many people are upset by those who cast their dissenting vote at today's general conference. They do not know why they would even attend. To them I pose these questions: Is not the gospel for everyone? Should we not try to love others despite their different opinions? I think the church handled the situation perfectly today. The dissenting votes were "noted," and those who cast them were encouraged to follow church policy. The people who chose to express their opinions were not asked to leave or threatened. They remained in their seats, and most likely stayed for the rest of the meeting. 

Now, I agree that the shouting was unnecessary and pretty disrespectful. The church has a system in place so that they can see and listen to members' opinions. By shouting "opposed!" I feel like they lost a lot of credibility. Even so, I still support the agency of those who live on this earth. These people used their agency to express themselves. Their methods were unorthodox, but again I say that they have a right to express how they feel. This does not necessarily mean that anything will change. God's commands do not change to the shouts of men (and women).

I sustain our prophet and all of his counselors. I believe that they receive direct inspiration from God. I believe that they are good men who are doing their best to follow God's laws. I believe that God reveals things to us line upon line, and precept upon precept. There are some things that I don't understand, but I believe that I will someday. This is revelation that I have found for myself, through asking questions and having a sincere desire to find the answers. I encourage you to go out and find that truth. Go out and figure out what is truth; I don't know if your truth will be the same as mine. Even so, I will still love you. 

Remember that we are all children of God and He knows us individually. He knows me, He knows you, and He knows those people who cast their votes - for or against - today at the conference center. God loves all of His children equally, and He gives us the opportunity to choose and use their agency. 

In the words of that one movie that just came out, "Have courage, and be kind." Anger does not serve us well. Remember who is in charge. Everyday I am working on becoming the person that the Lord wants me to be. I will never be perfect on this earth, but that's okay! Nobody else will be either.

Signing out,

Mandie