Today, I realized something that I need to work on: not dwelling on the past. I've had a hard life thus far, and it is so easy for me to sink into previous mindsets I've had, or brood over things long past. I really just came to this realization no more than ten minutes ago. Let me tell you how I got there.
So, I get home from this crazy long rehearsal for a gospel concert we are doing this Saturday (7:30 pm in the Kent Concert Hall, see arts.usu.edu for more details) and flop down on my couch. Being sick, I'm feeling pretty beat. So, of course, after updating my roommate on all the boy drama of the day, I hop on Facebook.
This next part is a reason that I am partially grateful and hateful to Facebook. You will see why.
As I'm scrolling through my news feed, I see something I was not expecting. A girl I knew in high school is back prematurely from her mission, and someone has posted all of these photos. Now, this girl was really awful to me in high school. I wasn't very kind back, and I made some mistakes which I have since repented and been forgiven of. This girl though... she was the most passive aggressive, conniving, envious person I had ever met. This still holds true, though I assume she's made some major changes in her attitude? Anyway, she was really just plain terrible to me in high school, and a lot of my insecurities came from her.
So I see that she's back. And the first thing I do? I exclaim, "Crap!" louder than I mean, making my roommate jump out of her seat. Of course she asks me whats wrong, and I say, "This girl is back from her mission, and I don't have a boyfriend!"
What the heck, Mandie? Since when, after you entered university, have you EVER felt like a man gives you your worth? I was, and still am a little, ashamed of myself. That is an old high school myth that carried over to ten minutes ago, and it's completely ridiculous! So I don't have a boyfriend. So what? Why does that matter? That doesn't define me. Ach. Still upset at myself.
But that's not all. After this, I start brooding. Seriously. I'm thinking about all the crap that happened in high school, all the things that she did to me, and then I'm thinking, "Huh. She came home from her mission early. If I was supposed to go on a mission, I would stay out the whole time, etc." So now, I got this whole "holier-than-thou" idea going on in my brain, which I immediately shut up, because that is stupid. I don't know why she came home, and I probably never will know, because I am not planning on talking to her at all in the near future. So who am I to judge? I make myself so angry sometimes.
I also wished that she would know that my dad died so that all of the pain that she caused me would billow upon her and she would feel sorry for what she'd done. But (hopefully) she already does, and she's gotten through it. And I feel bad about thinking about using my wonderful father as a guilt trip. I really am terrible.
So, as I'm thinking about my experiences and life, I realize something else. High school sucked. I mean, I already kind of knew that, but seriously. I made some fantastic friends that I will probably know forever, but some people were just mean. I had this experience a few months ago. I went to In'n'Out with my family and I saw an old high school chum there. She approached me and started telling me that after I graduated, I just went AWOL, and that she kind of understands it now, because she didn't go to a party the night before. She said, and I quote, "I didn't go to that party, and I was like, 'On my gosh! I'm Mandie Skousen!" She made it sound like AWOL was a bad thing. It's not. Yeah, I went AWOL. And for good reason. We are meant to move on, and mature, and meet new people, and have new experiences. I held no love for most of the people I knew in high school when I left. I didn't cry, I didn't feel sad. Well, I did, because a chapter of my life was closing, but I knew another one was beginning! I was ready to move on. I submit that this is a good thing! If I had really kept myself submerged with all of these people who were unhealthy and immature, I wouldn't be the person I am right now. And if that means giving up on some weird high school parties, then so be it.
So, faults have been revealed, and with them, truths that I am grateful for.
Sorry for this weird random blog post. I am typing with sick brain, and I tend to be incoherent when I have sick brain.
Farewell, my bonnie lads and lasses! Have a fair trip home, and a wonderful night of rest!
Signing out,
Mandie
